Embracing Uncertainty and Power: Insights from a Sacred Fire Ceremony
Many of us waste our energy by turning it inward, leading to procrastination or inertia.
To find out more about this month’s online workshop, or watch my recent interview with Sound Healer and Breathwork trainer Suntara, please scroll down to MY OFFERINGS.
“I understood there was no way of controlling this smoke – and why would I? It was too beautiful to watch, milky against the peach hue of the evening sky, curling and lifting towards peace.”
I held a sacred fire last night, which is part of my Shamanic practice. The element of fire is significant in many indigenous cultures and is believed to have the power to purify and transform. I came to the ritual with the intention of exploring the energies of uncertainty and power. My interest in the former was because of a recent interview with Suntara, one of Australia’s leading sound healers, who has managed to find ways to accept his career is almost wholly based on uncertainty. My curiosity around the latter is because of my upcoming workshop where we’ll be working with the element of fire, which is connected to power.
Many of us have a challenging relationship to uncertainty and power that can cause uncomfortable sensations in the body that trigger calamitous thinking – which is why uncertainty seems so unbearable – and feelings of shame or conflict, so that we often exhaust ourselves supressing or denying our power.
I usually come to sacred fire with a much more specific intention than to explore two words! Intention is everything when we’re stepping into spiritual or creative practices, and healing work. If we don’t know what we’re looking for, or aiming for, how will we know when the answer comes, or we reach the place we’re trying to find? A lack of clear intention is often why people can finish a writing session with a sense of not having done their idea justice, or sit up after a breathwork practice with the niggling feeling they got something wrong because supposedly ‘nothing happened’.
But last night, as I came into the garden with my firewood, I felt specifically drawn to leave my intention open, to see what the fire had to show me. I trust my levels of awareness, and my skills to be able to receive nature’s wisdom. Of course, later I would realise how apt this all was: my willingness to embrace an uncertain intention, and relinquish any sort of control over the situation!
JUST AFTER ASSEMBLING my freestanding firepit, I felt drawn to open my Mesa, which is not something I usually do at sacred fire. A Mesa is a ceremonial bundle, or portable spiritual tool kit, as I like to think of it!
The contents of a Mesa are deeply personal, and vary depending on the lineage. Mine consists of thirteen stones (or Kuya, as they’re known), each representing different aspects of my journey thus far. Not only have these Kuya been elemental in my own healing – each one responsible for bringing deeper awareness and personal transformation in specific areas – they’re also what I use for working with clients, divination and ceremony.
I unwrapped my Mesa and sat gazing at the Kuya, aware I was drawn to my malachite egg. This was one of the first stones to be ‘initiated’ into a Kuya, during my Shamanic training, when I did some profound work on a deep, wounded belief that I was weird.
I picked up the Kuya and immediately saw myself at seven years old in my school uniform. I was standing in a tense way, both hands clenched into fists at my side.
HEALING WOUNDS IS such an interesting thing because, at the start, we can feel aggressive towards the part we want to heal – as I did! I was desperate to obliterate my weirdness!
But, what actually happened, during my Shamanic training, was that my malachite egg enabled me to heal my relationship to this part of me.
For decades, I’d hated what those clenched fists represented: my pattern of holding myself in utter tension, all bottled up, trying to contain my undesirable weirdness.
Last night, as I sat on the spongy grass, evening birdsong all around, and saw that seven-year-old girl, I felt so calm and curious towards her. It has been a while since I’ve been in the presence of my weird self. She lifted both arms above her head, opened her hands, and released clouds of pastel-hued butterflies.
POWER, WHICH IS related to the centre of energy at our solar plexus, and the element of fire, can often grow out of balance, like a wonky tree. It might be that, as children, we had experiences, which taught us power was unpleasant or undesirable: perhaps we felt animosity to those who exerted power over us – teachers, siblings, caregivers – or, we were punished for expressing our power, possibly because we broke something, or hurt someone.
Power is also related to control, which has influenced my ‘wonkiness’ in this area. I grew up feeling powerless in the presence of my mother: the way she structured homelife and was a figure of firmness and unpredictable anger. I also, as mentioned, learnt very quickly to control and crush unwanted aspects, turning my power on myself.
When our fire is balanced by engaging in healthy routines and healing practices, then our elements of Earth, Water and Fire are stacked and connected. We’re rooted, fully welcoming of our physical form. Our body is a reliable vessel, supported by the ground. It can hold the waters of our emotions – energy in motion – in a way that’s not too tight so they freeze, and not too loose so they spill everywhere. We hold them just right, so they’re free to move and be sensed and can interact with our inner fire, creating steam. This gives us the essential drive we need to show up in the world and create, but often so many of us are wasting this forward motion by directing it inwards. This can cause patterns of procrastination, weak discipline, or inertia. We must learn to hold our energy, and to allow it rise up within us to a point of expression.
IF YOU’RE ANYTHING like I was, you’ll be unknowingly clenching in the solar plexus, forcing everything down, which can manifest as constantly being frustrated in the outer world.
Why aren’t my dreams happening? you might find yourself asking.
Or, Why aren’t the things I want coming to me?
In response, we try to control things in the outer world, adding to our tension, causing even more exhaustion, perhaps even burn out. Essentially, our inner fire is blazing, but we’re using that energy to crush and compact ourselves! Many of us can also redirect it to the mind, giving our negative chatter extra power.
As you can imagine, eventually we explode!
This is what the first two decades of my life looked like: a few months of good manners, decent grades, mature behaviour, followed by illness, a sudden, physical injury, or a surprising, emotional outburst.
In my twenties, this pattern evolved into recurrent lower back issues and UTIs – which is exactly the area of the body that bears the full brunt of our inner fire if we’re pushing down instead of allowing it to flow upwards. This meant employment was both fraught and transient.
Interestingly, I was chatting with my mother recently about publishing companies and in-house editors.
‘Were you never tempted to apply for something like that after your Masters?’ she asked.
Now, this question is a lovely example of how healing my inner, unconscious patterns of control has impacted my relationship with my mother. Gone, are the infuriating conversations where she makes suggestions for jobs that, surely, would be perfect for me. Her actions and behaviour are no longer impacted by the excessive control within me. She’s now free to be lovingly curious about her daughter.
I told her I had been tempted, but that I couldn’t trust myself at that time in my life. What if I got the job and then three months later had an emotional eruption, or my back slipped out of place?
Cue the second piece of evidence of my healing, which was my mother’s deeply compassionate understanding, rather than an incredulous outburst because ‘How can someone so capable think such a thing?!’
If, growing up, we control our inner elements to the extent that our real nature remains concealed, we only ever experience the ‘reflection’ of that concealment in the outer world through people’s agonising lack of understanding of us. We will know if this is happening in our lives if we often find ourselves trying to fix the way people see us, and feeling exhausted by how futile these attempts seems to be.
I BEGAN TO build the sacred fire with balls of newspaper and twigs, struck by how calm I felt. Holding fire is a powerful ritual that can facilitate some amazing inner work, which then produces magical results in the outer world. Yet, in the past, I’ve resisted this practice, because it often brings me face to face with a raging impatience. Part of the ritual involves blowing deeply into everything you build the fire with – balled up paper, sticks – and I can’t bear the mortification of witnessing myself rushing, often blowing into four of five sticks at once, miserable and guilty that my impatience is getting the better of me and desecrating this sacred act.
But last night, I was building the fire slowly, reflecting on many of the things I’ve shared with you, aware of my willingness – almost eagerness – to embrace uncertainty, which seemed to be the perfect cure for my impatience.
When I came to light the fire, gone was the anxious fretting it wouldn’t take and that I would be revealed as a fraud. I struck a couple of matches and casually held them to the paper. A thick, milky band of smoke rose and blew West where the sun had slipped from of view. This direction is connected to the element of Earth, and I knew my impatience hadn’t plagued me tonight because I was grounded and able to hold the waters of my emotions.
The West also holds the power to bring peace. When we do our ‘West’ healing work we realise we have no enemies in this life, or the next. Growing up, I made my mother an enemy, unaware the real challenge was internal. I sensed my peace with her now, as I once more saw the little girl in me. She had clenched her hands long enough. Again, she lifted her arms and filled the sky with butterflies.
NO TWO FIRES are the same, and last night it was particularly smoky. The fire was teaching me about uncertainty and power. I sensed how my energy was flowing and rising powerfully because of the healing work I’ve done over the years to bring balance within. I understood there was no way of controlling this smoke – and why would I? It was too beautiful to watch, milky against the peach hue of the evening sky, curling and lifting towards peace.
There’s one final insight I want to share with you. I observed the flames and recalled all the times I’d held fire at moment when I was frustrated by the supposedly slow growth of my online presence. I would be desperate for the fire to shift the energy in my life so that I’d wake up the following day and discover that my YouTube channel had gone viral! No wonder, I was often so consumed by impatience!
Something in the flames last night was giving me a whole different experience.
It was clear to me I no longer needed to control the results in my outer world, and what I realised was, this need for control had been part of a desire to feel better within. The irony is, that inner discomfort is often a result of the fact we’ve turned our power inwards!
Last night, I honoured that these days I do feel better within. I can allow the outer world to be what it is.
Shifting and rebalancing the fire within us is incredible work. I watched the flames for a long time, sensing them guiding me to a specific moment. Each stick burnt to grey ash, the flame then disappearing, leaving glowing embers. As I watched the flames move around the copper firepit, I realised I’d wanted all the sticks to burn. Rather than the ways I’d wanted things in the past – needing them with a clenched desperation – this desire had been a peaceful wish, trusting and accepting in the outcome.
The sticks had almost all burnt, leaving bright cinders and fragile wisps of smoke. The initial fierce blaze from earlier, had softened, and the fire had travelled all around the pit. Virtually every stick had been transmuted. One tiny flame remained, as small as a burning candle. In its presence I felt its delicate yet durable power. It struck me how tender and soft our inner light is when it’s simply allowed to be.
As always, wishing you creative contentment.
Gabriela, tree goddess.
Offerings
In this section you’ll be able to hear about my offerings and events.
JOIN ME for my next online workshop - ‘Journaling, Breathwork and Nature Healing to Transform your Creative Process’ - on Thursday 23rd May at 6.30pm.
This month we’re exploring the element of FIRE. By overcoming confidence issues and reconnecting with our inner FIRE, we can greatly enhance our creativity and overall well-being. Working with this element can lead to deeper levels of energy and inspiration.
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WATCH my latest YouTube Interview with Sound Healer and Breathwork trainer Suntara.
We discuss how Suntara felt anxious and depressed in his job in IT and discovered Sound Healing was the perfect medicine! In his twenties, when he told people he wanted to be a musician, they said he was too old. But now in his forties, he’s thriving with his healing music!
This was such an honest conversation, packed with rich sharing and nuggets of wisdom.